Okay. now this post is not going to make me popular with anyone.  Especially my kids.  I am mainly writing this for myself.  I want to document just how miserable Halloween makes my kids, so next year, when I even begin to consider “trick or treating” I can come back and read this!

I feel that living your life with moderation as a value is good.  Most things are okay in moderation.  Even candy (coming from the worlds biggest health nut,- it pains me to say this,- but it is true,- even for candy). 

The idea of Halloween is great.  The reality is another monster all together.  Even I get caught up in the idea of Halloween (every gosh darn year).  Dressing up as your favorite character.  Family time strolling leisurely through the neighborhood.  Your children are having fun.   You are catching up with your neighbors.  Everybody is getting along.  You get to collect lots of candy, and then go home and sort it.  Your children share their candy with each other.  They pick out the best pieces, and get rid of the rest.  They eat a few pieces of candy, and then that is the end of it. 

Ok, now lets just get down to reality here.  (and I am strictly talking about my kids here.  I am sure that whoever else reads this can feel great that their kids are perfect and they cannot relate to this at all)

First, we spend a stressfully looooooong time trying on a million different outfits until we become unsatisfied with everything, and decide to go as ourselves.  Shall we call this “meltdown number one”.

Second,  that leisurely stroll through the neighborhood, becomes an all out run, to beat all the other kids (supposedly their friends) to each house to get as much candy as possible.   “Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad” you say.  Ok, let me translate.  The oldest child can run the fastest!  So he (or she) is out of sight and around the corner within seconds.  The subsequent siblings cannot keep up, which means they are not FIRST to get candy.  Let’s call this “meltdown number 2”   But, by golly, they are going to give it their all, regardless of the fact that they are actually in a STREET with CARS coming home from work at this hour.  So you, the parent, are trying to watch for your kids within a crowd of Hannah Montana’s, princesses, and superheroes who are running hell mell all over the place, right in front of CARS like a bunch of midgets with their pants on fire.  And yes, I am doing all this with a newborn swinging from my boob because he is freaked out by all the candy chaos.  This then leads to “meltdown number 3”  (Although we as parents are so good at controlling our emotions that this meltdown is invisible to the naked eye)……………..  Right! 

So by some miracle, myself and all my children actually arrive home safe and unskwooshed by all the dads driving home from work.  Now the fun begins…..

My children sit down and dump their candy on the floor.  They then proceed to stuff as much as possible in their mouths as fast as they can.  Now they have not had dinner yet.  So by the time I can put a stop to this craziness, they are on about piece number 25.  This leads us to “meltdown number 4”  I like to think of this meltdown as the “grand finale” like at the fireworks show.  See we don’t take turns with this meltdown.  Everyone ends up screaming and crying at once.  I am mad at myself for being stupid enough to set my kids up for this (again).  Which, of course, I take out on them.  They are mad at me because, I am the evil mother that doesn’t want them to overdose on sugar.  Needless to say, the sugar high they are on comes down with a resounding crash, right as hysteria is setting in.  My husband walks in the door from work, mad because he just about ran over little “Harry Potter” from down the street.   And we end up skipping dinner, and just trying to ride out the mayhem until they fall asleep (or pass out).  At which point, I promptly go and throw all the candy away!!!!!  (This leads to “meltdown number 5” but I don’t have to face that until I am trying to get them ready for school in the morning.  At which point, I rummage through the trash, and they each pick out candy to put in their lunch box and then I throw it away.  Hell, let the teachers deal with my kids on drugs.)

So there you have it.  The lovely experience of Halloween.  This is why I will never, never, never, never, ever do Halloween again.  (obviously until next year)