I haven’t written in so long.  So what prompted this come back?  I am parenting alone tonight.  Richard is out-of-town, and my oldest son, Noah, was out with his friends enjoying some freedom that comes with being 14.  We discussed a curfew, and agreed upon 10:45.  Now I fell asleep and woke to the sound of him coming in the door at 11:45.  I had no time to worry and build up fear about him lying in a ditch somewhere (no ditches in our North Shore neighborhood but you get the gist).  Instead, I was able to really be aware of how much fear HE had built up,,….about me and my reaction.

It turns out that it was an honest mistake.  He had fallen asleep on a friend’s couch.  His friends were not aware of his curfew so did not wake him.  Then being the mench that he is, he still had to walk 2 girls home before he could get home.  He could not call me to tell me he would be late, so he had some time to worry.

I am constantly reading self-help, self-reflection, parenting, being a better person type books.  My latest favorite is: ” Brain Rules for Baby”, by John Medina.  It showcases everything we know up to date about how the brain develops and what that can translate into for parenting.

One of the nuggets from this really good book, is that our “brains seek safety above all”.  Any thing that seems a threat to this “safety” becomes the focus.  So what does this mean for parenting?

Well, we all fall into one of 4 categories of parenting styles:

1. authoritative:  firm but warm (good balance)

2. authoritarian:  firm but not so warm (harsh)

3. indulgent:  warm but not firm (no limits)

4. neglectful:  not warm and not firm (non-existent)

Sounds like we are talking about bread here, but one parenting style is the most effective for how our brains are wired.  You got it, numero uno,  authoritative.  I think about it like good coaching.  The best coaches demand a lot out of their players, but do not get angry when they make mistakes.  Instead, they see taking risks and making mistakes as the only way to grow and develop.  The players have immense respect for these coaches, but do not fear them.  They know that the coaches goal is for them to be the best that they can be.

When I think about what I REALLY want as a parent it is, that somehow I can facilitate my children’s true spirit to thrive and flourish.  To borrow from the old army slogan:  be the best that you can be.  Making mistakes is a big part of this.  Unfortunately this is just the way it is.  We learn as we go.  I am so painfully aware of this, now that my oldest is becoming more independent and starting to navigate the world without me helicoptering just above him.  No longer can I indulge in the illusion that I have control.  He is having to rely on himself, and make judgement calls that I can only process with him after the fact.

It really hit me tonight when I saw how afraid he was of my reaction to his honest mistake.  I don’t want him to be afraid of me.  How is that going to facilitate him using me as a resource when he messes up?  conscientious yes, afraid no.  I don’t want him to be afraid of “getting in trouble”.  The goal of discipline is really self-discipline not “avoidance of getting in trouble”.  I want him to see me as a coach and guide.  Someone to lean on when you have to learn and grow and figure it out.  But if he is afraid of my wrath, I only have myself to thank.

When I was a new parent of this firstborn, I am afraid I leaned a little more towards “authoritarian”.  I was certainly warm, but more controlling than firm.  And when it came to mistakes, I didn’t always get the most mileage out of them as teachable moments.  I was so determined to be the “perfect” parent that I wasn’t going to let anything or anyone get in my way.  Including this sweet little soul.  It was pretty easy at first.  He was such an easy baby.  All I had to do was love him.  Yet, as he began to have a mind of his own and explore the world, and relationships, it was a little trickier.  As his younger sister got added to the mix there were even more things to juggle.   I kind of understood that mistakes were good teaching moments, but I think my need to be “mom of the year” was mixed in too.  Mistakes could be embarrassing.  Like the time that Noah and his best friend (age 4) threw everything they could find into a friends fancy lawn waterfall to see what would happen.  Or the time that his younger sister threw a full-blown temper tantrum in the grocery store.  Or, when said younger sister refused to sleep as a baby, and just screamed instead.  The list goes on, but the bottom line is that these “mistakes” were messing up my ability to be the perfect mom.  It was making me look bad!  Perfect moms have perfect children you know.   I came down hard, because I couldn’t separate out my need to have absolutely no bumps in the road,  and their need to make mistakes and learn from them.

So what keeps me up at night is this:  Did this view of mistakes as failure get passed on?  Did my son become afraid of my wrath and therefore afraid of mistakes?  Did my daughter interpret my disapproval and anger as something wrong with her?  That strong emotions are bad, therefore she is bad?

I did not beat them or spank them.  But I have evolved to see that just being angry and losing your temper can be enough.  Children are completely at the mercy of their parents.  So if your anger comes through, either with words or actions, they have no choice but to be affected.  The brain is wired for safety above all else.  So when a parent loses their temper,   avoiding anger becomes the goal, not learning and growth.

I still remember the times that I lost my temper.  Did they cause it?  Of course not, how could they?  What could they possibly do that could warrant that.  My own frustrations and lack of sleep, and harsh judgement of myself were the trigger.  But I will never forget the look on their faces one day in the car when I was angry and yelling at them.  I remember realizing that they were afraid of me.  I could see that I was doing damage.  I still have the “contract” I filled out with them promising to never lose my temper like that again.

So I make mistakes too.  I am learning and evolving, but it is so damn hard to forgive yourself, and see what I want my kids to see:  that mistakes are opportunities for growth.  How do you forgive yourself?  Especially when you think your mistakes have affected your children?  You, yourself are still working on the attitude:  “mistakes are opportunities”.

I think the first step is just ask for forgiveness.  I know if I ask my kids to tell me the specific times I lost my cool, they can rattle them off better than their times tables.  So I will start there, and apologize.  And then I just have to practice what I preach:  Mistakes are golden opportunities for growth.  It is hard, and it keeps me up at night.  But a very healing woman in my life said, ” The more you can forgive yourself, the more forgiving you will be”

I just got through reading a book called “Under Pressure” by Carl Honore.  Richard accuses me of reading books that just back up what I already think.  There is some truth to this.  I do tend to pick books that help validate my way of thinking.  Honore talks about how there is a lot of pressure to push your children to the height of their potential and yet micromanage them at the same time.  I feel that pressure living here on the North Shore of Chicago.  There is a lot of pushing and micromanaging going on.  Most of the time I feel like a complete “loser mom” because my kids each get 1 thing or sport to be involved in at a time, and they get the down time that they ask for.  So it feels reassuring when I read a book that advocates this approach.

Through his search for the “antidote to the the frenzy of keeping up with the Joneses”  Honore found not that.  I like that he did not try to give over the opposite of “hyperparenting”.  Instead, he discovered that there are some basic truths that apply to all children everywhere.  These fundamental truths I agree with 100%.

l.  children need to feel safe and loved

2. children need our time and attention, with no conditions attached

3. children need boundaries and limits

4. children need space to take risks and make mistakes

5. children need to spend time outdoors

6. children need to be ranked and measured less

7. children  need healthy food

8. children need to aspire to something bigger than owning the next brand-name gizmo

9. children need room to be themselves

10.  children come in all shapes and sizes and every family must find the formula that works best for them.

He goes on to say that parents just have to “shut out the background noise and listen more to their instincts.  Parents should aspire to meet their children’s needs most of the time and accept that they will mess up occasionally.  Do a ‘good enough’ job” and our children will be ok.

All this is good to hear amid the crazy current of parent overdrive that I find myself trying to swim in.

We all probably need to put down the “childrearing experts” and back away from the books!  But this one gets an A for what it explores and the conclusions it finds.

Noah and I went to NYC to see the Knicks play Miami for his birthday.  We had a great time.  Ate lots of good food.  Got to see Aunt Dandridge.  And even made it by the NBA store before the game.  This picture shows how much 14 year old boys love to have their picture taken with their mom on a busy street with lots of people walking by and “staring”.  The embarrassment was well worth it.  🙂  I tried to look nonchalant too but I just come off as the mom who is glad to have a picture of her 14 year old boy.  So who am I kidding?

This next picture was easier to procure because Noah is very proud to show off how tall he is.  He is standing next to Aunt Dandridge who he just recently passed. (height wise)

You have heard of topless dancers………These are my topless dish washers.  🙂

We had two consecutive nights of amazing seders.  Our kids had a great time, the food was really good (if I do say so myself) and the guests were a pleasure.    It was a lot of work.   I will admit I was feeling  just a bit groggy when Zeke started talking at 6:30 am today.    It was worth every minute.

It cannot hold a candle, however, to the exhaustion I feel after Zeke’s play date this morning.  I have to sit down and document this before my brain deletes it to protect my sanity.    I think my house is baby proof.  If you think your house is baby proof, then I suggest you test it out on the pros.  Two 18-month old boys:

Carter arrived with a big smile on his face and “hi” to his buddy Zeke.  He got down out of his mother’s arms and made a bee-line for the basement stairs.  These stairs are hidden by a door.  Most first time guests enter a few closets and the bathroom before they get it right.  Not Carter.  He had an instinct for the steepest drop in my house and knew he had to get there before we could stop him.   So, we began our work out. Carter’s mother, Rachel, and I really have no need for aerobics classes because our exercise is built in.  Some people walk, some people run, we chase.    Chase and drag to be exact.

We chased them to the basement.  Carter did a quick scan and was happy to find his favorite snack…..chalk.  When his mother would not allow this,  he was immediately back up the stairs.  It took him about 17 seconds to find the toilet.   Also hidden behind a series of look alike doors in our hallway.   Every 18-month old boy values this household object as a great toy.  He and Zeke were splashing away before we could make it up the stairs after them.  Then they tried to shut the door on us before we could ruin their fun.  Now you ask why it took us 17 seconds to make it up the stairs?   If we had been faster we would be accused of “hovering”.

After a hand wash, we decided this might be easier if we let them run around outside.  As we chased them out, Carter made a stop at the water cooler.  One of Zeke’s favorite past times.  After about a liter of water and a lot of screaming, we dragged them away.   We chased them outside and thought we had at least 3 minutes to complete a little conversation of our own.  Notta

Without Zeke even showing him, (or maybe at this age they have some crazy telepathic communication) Carter immediately found the hole in the fence that is big enough for a toddler to fit through.  We spent the rest of the time  blocking the hole and they trying to get past us.  I don’t get it.  There is a whole back yard to run around, and they focus on the one way out.   Screaming didn’t work.  Throwing the ball over the fence didn’t work.  They were getting frustrated (and tired) so Carter, in a last ditch effort, got on the baby cycle and tried to ram his way through.  (He had to throw Zeke off of it first, of course).

We dragged them inside to wash up for lunch.  They ate some food.  They threw some food.   Zeke began to fall asleep in his food.  ( He is the younger of the two boys)  Lunch over.

Final 10 minutes of play date:

Chased them around the circle of our first floor from basement stairs to bathroom to water cooler about 6 times.

Changed poopy diapers.  This entailed a lot of chasing, dragging and then basically sitting on any flailing extremities.

Made a train track to occupy them until train track became weapon of choice.

Blocked flying train tracks.

Finally chased, dragged and strapped Carter into car seat to go home for nap.

Whew!

At this point, I agreed to allow Zeke to push all the buttons in Rachel’s car so I could watch Carter, while she went back inside to wrestle her older daughter, Olivia, away from her play date with Hannah.

Oh, I think I forgot to mention, this was the original point of their visit.   And yes, of course we were watching the girls the whole time.  Geez   And you guys wonder what we do all day.

Well, here we are again.  Every year I dread Passover.  I feel it coming with a dark cloud of gloom and perfection pressure building over my head.  Then, I drag myself into the preparation and become an obsessed and driven cleanaholic.   Then the crisis.  I get completely over stimulated, over loaded, overwhelmed and lost in the minutia.  I realize there is no possible way I will accomplish all that I have piled on myself, and I begin to fray.  Well, maybe fray is a nice word for what begins to happen.  It is more like the flopping around a fish does when it is trying to get back into the safety and comfort of the water and desperately running out of air.

So I do what I always do when I am on the ledge.   Oops, I mean edge.  Sorry a little slip there.  It feels like a ledge.  I call my friend Edie.    I think this is my 3rd or 4th year in a row that she has had to give me the Passover speech.   Now she is Christian and does not celebrate Passover.  But I will say that she is the one that helps me find my way back to the meaning of Passover.

Edie: ” Ok we have gone over this before.  Passover is not about  you being the cleanest lady on the block and a total witch to your family.”  (and NO we never use curse words in our conversations.  It is always words like witch and heck)

Edie: “What are your children going to remember about this time?  What do you want them to remember?”

Me:  @%#^%$^%&%&^*((())  (ok maybe I did throw out a few curse words at this point.  I don’t like it when she is right.  and it really relieves pressure)

So I started to let go of my unrealistic expectations and took a couple of deep breaths.  I sat down with my baby and began reading him baby books about Passover.  I started listening to Hannah tell me about how much fun she had going to the Matzah factory.

Then a feeling of peace took root.

I realized that Passover at it’s very core is about LOVE.  It is an amazing love story between God and his people.    What other time in the history of mankind has God shown himself to a PEOPLE?   And it wasn’t a simple miracle that was witnessed by thousands, it was SO MANY!   God really risked himself.  He had to know that before he could even finish showing his glory, we would be working on that golden calf .    He had to know he was rescuing a bunch of doubters.   Yet, he still put all his love for us out there in plain view.   He saved us anyway.

How do you grasp a love like that?  How do you reciprocate a love like that?

God asked Moses who would be the guarantors of this marriage between God and the Jewish People?  We had to promise our children as the guarantors.  So when I look in my children’s faces I realize that what they remember is what matters.  I want them to remember the love.

This is just an updated picture of Zeke.  He loves to read.  Today he put aside his baby board books for some “real” reading.  I think the book is:  “The Old Man and The Boy” by Robert Ruark

As Jews, we say a prayer each morning thanking God for another day.  It is called “modei ani”.  We are thankful that G-d watches over our soul as we sleep and returns it to us each morning.  The last line challenges us to be the best that we can be, each day.

My girlfriend (and walking buddy) is from South Africa.  She keeps close, the words that Nelson Mandela shared when he was released from 27  years in prison.  Her 5 children have heard these words many times:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make namifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  As we are liberated fromour own fear, our presense automatically liberates others.”

Our children pray “modei ani” each morning in “t’fillah” (prayer) at our Jewish Day School.   The teachers asked the children about the last line of the prayer.  “Why should we be the best that we can be?”

My girlfriend’s son, age 6, replied:  “Nelson Mandela says that we have God inside of us.   We have to try to be as good as the part of God that is inside of each of us.”

I find that 5 and 6 year olds get the concepts that are really important.  You know the whole thing:  Everything I learned, I learned in kindergarten.  Well, it is true.  The fluffy stuff seems to go over their heads, while the real stuff sticks.  They just get it.  And if we could all take a lesson from them, we would stay focused on the real stuff too.  We are all capable of living our lives to the fullest.  We all have that piece of God inside of us just waiting to shine.   There is a difference in the world, that only we can make.

One day I would like to continue my career by helping couples prepare to marry.  I often think about what advice or teaching would need to be imparted to those at the front end of that journey.  I came across a wonderful book by John and Stasi Eldredge, called “Love and War”.

John shares the advice he wishes he would have gotten sometime in the weeks leading up to his own wedding.  I think it is so perfect, that I want to post it here:

“I (John) wish some older man had pulled me aside a few weeks before our wedding, and said,

Now listen, son.  You’re a fine young man; Stasi is a wonderful girl.  I think you  two are made for each other.  I’m very excited about this marriage.  But now listen to me, lad–are you paying attention?  You are also, both of you , deeply broken people.  And all that brokenness is going to start coming to the surface as soon as you say, “I do.”  Don’t let this throw you.  It happens to everyone.  It doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.  But what would be wrong would be to ignore what surfaces.  God is going to use your marriage to get to issues in your life he wants to address.  You’ve got a way of making life work, and you’re going to discover that Stasi does, too.  That’s all going to collide sooner or later.  You might make it a year or two on young love, and thank God for it.  But don’t ignore this stuff when the fairy tale hits the fan.  Get some help.”

I could have used this advice.  I think it is such a relief to hear this, and know it applies to everyone.

February 2010 Champions

Noah and his team mates ended their season on a high note.   They won the championship, and beat a team they had lost to earlier in the season.  Way to go Lions 🙂