Uncategorized

Beshert

February 26, 1969

The day my world turned dark.

“Blind” they said.

Never to see light again.

 

My mother holding me

Barely me

Her heart shattered.

A prayer for me…

A prayer for…

You

 

Far away

on an air force base

A place where wings can get you there fast.

A boy was born…

You…

for me.

 

What suffering did you bring on yourself?

Dropping heavenly matters like that

Racing to begin the work of growing up

for me.

 

No one knowing

My mother called you from Heaven,

Hurry up!

Come quick!

 

My world turned light again.

“A miracle” they said

over and over…

During the years of my growing up

for you.

 

A reminder:

Something special happened here.

A mystery?

A gift?

A miracle

 

Why me?

With miracle and blessing comes responsibility….

another gift:

A constant searching for light and purpose.

 

Maybe my mothers broken heart found God’s ears that day.

Her love for me so awesome.

Yet, I wonder

 

Could it be your ears she found that day?

Maybe it was your act of love that moved God.

A love that would leave Heaven, in a flash. to reach Beshert.

Dropping everything, regardless the cost.

 

Maybe God gave me back my sight.

Allowed me the ability to find light in the world.

So that one day I could return that gift of love to you…..

 

Seeing you

All of you

The light that burns in and around you

blinding bright

 

“The Gaze”

slow burn

never stop

made to last

 

Happy Valentine’s Day Richard

my love

my best friend

Beshert

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Uncategorized

Heaven

I am reading “Falling Upward” By Father Richard Rohr.  He says, “The entry into heaven is the rediscovery of the still-enchanted world of a happy child”

This really struck me.  How often I am trying to get my children to leave that place to come into my frazzled, burned out, pay the bills, adult world.

“Hurry up…..Clean up…..Go to sleep…..Wake up……Sit down……Eat your dinner……Take your hands out of your pants…..Put your clothes on…….Don’t climb on that…….Get in your car seat it is time to go……We are late, hurry up…….Don’t splash water all over the floor……Put your clothes BACK on…….Don’t leave the door open…..The toilet is NOT a toy…….You are making a mess”……etc.  It is too easy (and depressing) to go on any more.

When I am saying these words, I am trying to pull them out of that enchanted happy place.  No wonder they don’t hear me.  They are in Heaven, and I am in Hell!!!  Who would want to leave Heaven to go to Hell.  I don’t blame them.  Maybe I need to focus on observing them more.  I need to learn some more about Heaven.  I have forgotten.  They could teach it to me.  Instead of feeling annoyed at their immersed contented distraction while I am barking out orders, I  feel a huge wave of thankfulness that they can still tune me out to stay there.

C.S. Lewis in the “Screw Tape Letters” talks about the Devil.  He says that the Devil’s greatest victory was tricking us into thinking he doesn’t exist.

He has definitely tricked me into trying to pull my kids out of their “still-enchanted happiness” (without hesitation), to come and live with me in the world of “hurry up, don’t be late, don’t have fun, life is a schedule” world.

I may not be able to just go live in Heaven with them, as we do have to eat, and keep the lights on.  But I am gonna try cherish their “happy world” more and see if I can learn anything.

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coping, running

Some Thoughts on Breathing

As a part of our New Year’s celebration we all came up with 3 words to focus on this year.  Mine were:  faith, connect, and BREATHE

I know every one breathes.  But as I have been focusing on these words, I find there is a depth to breathing that I didn’t realize.

I am coming to believe that our emotional journey; is linked to our spiritual journey; is linked to our physical journey.  Many people don’t link them together.  For instance, most therapists really focus on the emotional journey.   I know people who go to therapy for everything.   Most religious leaders focus on the spiritual journey.  We all know people who use religion for everything.  Fitness Centers, work out programs and personal trainers primarily focus on the physical journey.  Certainly there is benefit in developing one at a time.  Sometimes we need to really target one specific area of ourselves.

It is not so easy to truly integrate all three areas.  I think many people are like me, and they target all the areas simultaneously, without being able to weave them together.  At one time, I thought the emotional journey was the most important.  I got a masters in Marriage and Family Therapy when I was 22.  I just knew that if I could figure out how to have the best marriage and family, then I would have the secret to the universe.  That was all I needed to get there.  WRONG!

I  have always been conscious of my physical journey.  I always attempted to stay healthy and fit.  I thought it was about having a low heart rate, living longer and looking good in your jeans…..WRONG!

I definitely got tricked into thinking that religion was all I needed to find my way on the spiritual journey. You want more spirituality?  Just plug in more religion!……..WRONG!

I was very conscientious.  I worked all the right formulas and did all the right equations!  I still ended up as a 40 year old, flabby, burned out, broken down mom of 4 with a marriage on the rocks.  How could this happen?  I worked out!  I had converted (twice) to Judaism!  I moved my family to an orthodox community!  I had a masters in Marriage and Family Therapy for pete’s sake!  I did everything right!  …………WRONG AGAIN!!

I wasn’t really connecting the dots.  I hadn’t found a way to address body/mind/spirit together to get a fuller picture of what was holding me back.

We talk about breathing all the time.  It seems to be linked to one’s perspective and state of mind.

“breathe easy”

“take a breather”

“breathtaking”

“breathless”

Big deep breathing is positive and linked to someone who is healthy, relaxed and happy.  Someone who doesn’t know how to “breathe” is seen as anxious and high strung.  As I have begun to focus on this word, I realize how much I am NOT breathing.   Every time I feel overwhelmed and suffocated by my life, I find I am holding my breath, or just taking small shallow breaths.  I am physically suffocating as I am emotionally suffocating.  If I am thinking about God at those times, it is basically “Where the hell are you?”

Learning to run has led me to learning to breathe.    As I have tackled the physical challenges, I have had to face the emotional challenges.  Things that had been buried so deep that I didn’t even know I was suffering from them.  They took on a 3-D characteristic that made them impossible to ignore.  (Not that I have ever been accused of denial).  I couldn’t grow physically until I was willing to grow emotionally.   As I faced the physical and emotional challenges, I had to then examine my spiritual framework to see where it was stunting my progress.  It sounds kind of complicated but really it just came down to hanging on to myself while I focused on breathing.

So, more and more I am looking at my life as a body/mind/spirit journey.  Each part is linked to the other.  Each area of growth has to include the others.   Running has become much more than just a work out.  I am physically increasing my lung capacity by running.  Yet, I am now aware of the carry over into the other areas.   I “breathe” a little easier with my husband and children.  I have more patience and perspective with them.  I feel claustrophobic and suffocated less.  This has significantly raised the “happiness factor” in my marriage and my family.  Sometimes, my life does feel like it is crashing down around me (usually Friday afternoon).   I now try to “breathe” and not panic.  I have adopted the motto:  As long as I can still breathe, I can do it.

In Genesis, when God created Adam and Eve, he “breathed” life into them.  He put his breathe inside of them.   When I am running, about the only thing I CAN focus on is breathing.  I get to a deep quiet place inside myself.  That is where I seem to find God waiting for me.  This is where I find myself waiting for me.  Hopefully I am finding the piece of God inside of me that IS me.  And this is probably what actually saves me.  This is what keeps me coming back for more.

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Uncategorized

The same ole fight

I have found after being married for 17 years, that some fights never change.  The fight we had before my high school reunion when we were dating, is the same fight we had this weekend.  Except, it is not just a fight this weekend.  It is actually ALL of the same fights piled into one.  They grow and multiply.  When you are in the middle of the “same ole fight”,  you can’t remember which fight it is.  Some type of time warp opens up.  One minute I was mad about this weekend.   The next thing you know, we were sitting in the car Richard had when we were dating, fuming about my high school reunion!

The content doesn’t really matter.  It only changes slightly.  Suffice it to say, it was more of petty importance than “life or death”.    You would think that we would be immune to this sort of repetition in our lives since we both hold masters degrees in Marriage and Family Therapy.  Obviously not.  I think it is the rare individual that can see their own blind spot.

I have learned one thing though:

That advice that sweet old couples give to newlyweds,  “Never go to bed angry”, is a big pile of crap.  They are obviously not 2 “first born”s duking it out!  When ever we have tried that, it only added hours to the fight.  I would have never gone to bed!

I think my Catholic Grandma, who raised 9 kids in poverty had a better motto:  “Just go to sleep……it will all be better in the morning”.   Works every time!  You limit the stupid mean things you say to each other.  You wake up refreshed.  Then you make up, or laugh about how ridiculous your fight was in the first place………….or best case scenario: both.

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coping, Micah, Zeke

A blessing or a cursing?

I do believe in the possibility that ADHD is over diagnosed these days.   Yet, I also believe in the possibility that when we were growing up there might have been some kids that fell through the cracks.  Richard would be one of them.  He is slightly impulsive and speed (a pot of coffee) calms him and puts him to sleep.  This is not news to anyone who knows us very well.

What everyone might not know is that one of the side effects of his impulsiveness is:  cursing.

Now this drives Micah completely and utterly insane.  She has tried everything she can think of to get him to stop.  The first strategy was to charge him 5 dollars for every curse word.   This failed.  Not only does he refuse to pay the huge tab he has made for himself, but he is not the “money manager” in this marriage.  So I finally explained to her that she is basically punishing me for his misbehavior.  Not that Richard wouldn’t try to blame it on me anyway.   Everything ultimately comes back to me somehow.  Then she tried to charge him 5 minutes of playing a game with her for every curse word.  This worked a little better, except that he is also slightly competitive.   So the games ended up as punishment for Micah!!!      I think she has resigned herself (as the rest of us have) that cursing is just a part of the Shaffer household.   Most of us understand that certain words are for Dad and certain words are for us.  Except Zeke.

Zeke is getting in the car and accidentally dumps his lunch box and back pack all over the ground.

Me:  oops

Zeke:  (in his matter of fact teaching voice)  Mom, that is when you are spossed to say  G-d dammit.

Me:  no baby just your Dad.  We say oops.

Zeke:  No mom, the hims say G-d dammit.

All I can say is that my children can never claim that growing up in this family is boring.  In that way, I choose to see this as a blessing, not a cursing.  After all, no trouble: no story

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Uncategorized

2012 Here I Come!!!!!!

Three words……….

That was the theme last night for our impromptu New Year’s Eve dinner party.  We had the honor of 7  of the most interesting, genuine, solid people I have met, and that was it………just three words.

Three words that encompass the direction you want your life to take this year.  Three words that are themes for your growth.  To give credit, the idea came from writer Chris Brogan who does this in his own life each year.  We asked our guests to think about just three words.  This in place of a concrete New Year’s Resolution.  They could share or not.  No pressure.

The Result:

With out a doubt the most moving New Year’s Eve I can remember.  We laughed until we cried.  Then we cried until we laughed.  We were riveted to the table, sharing bacon (kosher) burgers, skirt steak, hoppin jon, collard greens, okra, and our hearts with each other.

As words began to emerge………like:  mermaid, trust, love, faith, bridges, edge, connect, mentor, eliminate, potential……..stories came with them.  Not made up versions of people’s stories.  Not the illusions that we try to create of ourselves to show others.  Not a single ego tried to take the show.  These were just bare souls revealing their deepest desire for this next year.  It felt like magic.  Like God came down to sit with us.  We were a secret garden removed from time as we zoomed towards midnight.

My three words:   faith, breathe, connect

Faith:  If I have been shown any evidence of God in my life it is that, his imagination is much greater than mine.  As I look backwards, I realize that I NEVER could have imagined the twists and turns my life has taken.  So why do I have so much doubt and fear about the future?  It is obviously going to be wilder than my imagination can conjure.  I have decided that it is time to have faith in this basic truth.   If beyond my wildest dreams is going to happen, then I better start preparing.  I need to be ready.

Connect:  Because of difficult things in my life the past 4 years, I have pulled back from connecting to others.  Yet, I get that feeling of God when I connect deeply to others.  So it is time to open myself to real heartfelt connections again.  I think that is how God weaves his imagination into your life.

Breathe:  I find that I am constantly holding my breath.  Waiting to see what others think of me, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to fall down and make mistakes.  So I am going to remind myself to just breathe this year.  Have faith in God’s dreams for me, open up my connecting power to those i love, and when all else fails…………just breathe.

 

 

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Hannah, names

The gift of a name and a parent’s sacrifice

All of our kids are in Jewish Day School.  Hannah is in Kindergarten.  This has been very important to us.  We have sacrificed new clothes, new cars, vacations, etc. to make this happen for all our children.  We basically still live like poor graduate students.  Days like today remind me why…..

Hannah’s class held a “naming ceremony” for all of the children and their parents.  This was a very moving (tear jerker) ceremony.   The children sang songs like:  “L’Dor Vador”, “Thank You God”, and “Shehecheyanu”.  The Rabbi spoke about the meaning in Judaism of one’s name.  And each child’s parents stood up and talked about the significance of the name they had chosen for them.  I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house!  Parents shared such intimate stories about their hopes and dreams for their child.  They told such tender stories about family members that the children where named after.  And they even just caressed their children so lovingly as they stood together and spoke  in front of the crowd.  Through my tears I kept thinking what an effect this will have on these little souls.  To hear themselves talked about in such a special way by their parents in front of teachers, family and friends.  It also bonded the parents together as we shared in the love of our children.  It reminded me that our sacrifice is nothing compared to the gain for our children.

I went back and found the letter I had written and read at Hannah’s naming ceremony when she was just 8 months old.  I knew I could not speak  “off the cuff” in such an emotional setting, so I read the letter again to Hannah.  I am so glad that this occasion created an opportunity for her to hear the loving words said about her and her name.  She can now understand them and remember.  It becomes a part of her inheritance.  Following is that letter:

March 18, 2007

Dear Hannah

When your Daddy and I first began to wish for children, we knew that it was possible this blessing would not be given to us.  But we asked anyway.  When we were blessed with your brother, Noah, we were quite amazed.  it took us 4 years to work up the courage to ask again.  And when we did, God blessed us with your sister, Micah.  We were overjoyed at God’s generosity.  We had done nothing to deserve such blessings.  We assumed we had tested the limits of G0d’s grace.  God had given us more than our share of blessings.  How could we possibly ask for more?

One day in shul, Rabbi Dan Sherbill told a story about a king with all the riches in the world.  This king had a son that was coming of age, and would soon come to his father to ask for his share of blessings.  The king was so looking forward to that day.  He had so much to give and all his son had to do was ask.  When that day finally arrived, the son came to his father the king.  But because he did not feel worthy, all he asked for was a nickel.  The king was so deeply disappointed.  This story stuck with me.

I realized I had it all wrong.  God’s blessings are limitless.  Not only can we ask, but it gives God great joy when we ask.  And there is nothing more valuable in all the world than our children.

So we began to ask.  My prayers were not done exactly right I am sure.  They were not even in Hebrew.  But they were from such a deep place of longing in my heart.  I prayed so hard sometimes I would cry.  I prayed at every stop light.  I prayed every time I woke up afraid in the middle of the night.  And when God answered yes, I prayed even harder.  I kept thinking about Hannah, mother of the prophet Samuel.  She prayed for a child.  She prayed so hard from deep within her heart that Eli the Kohen thought she was drunk.  Yet, God heard her and blessed her.

When God blessed us yet again, with you; you can imagine how great was our joy.  It seemed only fitting that your name become Hannah.  I felt the presence of our fore mother Hannah during my pregnancy, helping to guide me through my fears and doubts.  I hope that by naming you Hannah, you will have the deep faith of our fore mother to overcome your doubts and fears.  I hope that you will be able to pray from your heart to reach God and find your way.  And I hope that you will be able to ask for your share of blessings.

Wyatt is your middle name.  This is in honor and remembrance of your great grandmother, Nana.  Nana was really more than Daddy’s grandmother and your great grandmother.  She was leader and counselor to us all.  When I am not sure how to deal with a situation, I stop and ask myself……What would Nana have done?   It always becomes crystal clear which direction to take.  Her strength of character and integrity earned her the respect of everyone that knew her.  Her kindness towards others was bottomless.  Many things she had done for others, we did not know until she died.  So many people then came and shared with us the things Nana had done for them.  What I cherish about Daddy, I know he inherited from her.  I thank her for teaching him how to be such a wonderful leader of our family.

I wish for you Hannah (and your sister and brothers); Nana’s quiet strength, her deep well of kindness, her compass of right and wrong, and her true selflessness.

Hannah Wyatt Shaffer……………you must always know how much all of us love and adore you.

Love Mom

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running

Waking Up

This summer my Dad gave me the book “Born to Run” by Christopher McDougal.  He thought it would help me understand Zeke.  He didn’t realize the effect it would have on me!  I have never tried running in all my 43 years.  I just assumed I did not have the body type to run long distances.  I also had picked up a belief from somewhere that running was inherently bad for you.  After reading this book I definitely had more insight about my high energy son who runs everywhere at 90 miles an hour.  But the unintended consequence is that I also began to wonder if I was selling myself short.

Thanks Dad, for always planting seeds for personal growth.  (even unintentionally)

The next step I took was to go the most trusted expert I could find on running……Drew Deppen.     Drew is a Chiropractor in Chicago with a very fresh unique approach.  He is also a very accomplished runner and now my trusted running coach and wonderful friend.   I asked him if he could teach an old lady how to run.  He simply said, “yes”.  The following letter was from me to Drew as he was gearing up for the Chicago Marathon.  It also sums up the affect his “yes” had on me.

Drew
Hi! Hope you are getting excited about your run this coming sunday. I was looking at my e-mail and I am wondering if you got sent a double e-mail by me. Sorry if so. We could safely blame Zeke if that is the case. Whenever it gets too quiet at my house I usually find him “fixing the computer” or something along those lines. We have a saying in our family that: if it gets too quiet; it is already too late. 🙂

Yesterday was my 17 year wedding anniversary! And this Thursday I turn 43. I had Noah when I was your age. I have spent the last 15 years in a deep fog of “little kids”. I love my children more than life itself. They are the biggest blessing I have ever received. They are also the hardest job I have ever done. I had to set aside my own needs so many times to take care of everybody else. I became accustomed to not showering, not using the bathroom by myself, and not even hearing my self think. I have spent countless hours rocking crying children, changing diapers, breastfeeding, then wiping tushies, playing rescue heroes and polly pockets. I5 years later, I am still wiping tushies and playing resue heroes and polly pockets. Yet, I am now also teaching Noah how to drive! And faithfully going to every basketball and soccer game that is played. Not even including all the daily chores I grind out: like laundry, bills, groceries, meals, lunches etc.

This past summer as Zeke has turned 3 and you have started teaching me how to run (for the first time in my entire life!) I feel like I am waking up out of this deep fog of the last 15 years. I had no idea how much of myself had disappeared in that time. Parts of myself are starting to show up again. I swear to God I have really missed myself! I love the feeling of being strong again. And I realized how much I need adventure and nature in my life again. I have always tried to work out. I knew it was important, yet it really just felt like another chore to grind out that I never had enough time for. Now all the other work outs have taken on a greater meaning for me too:…. To be able to run farther and faster!

Richard and I ran through the forest preserve yesterday on our anniversary and it felt significant. It was a hard workout as the ground is mushy from all the wet weather. But we had so much fun together. It felt adventurous. We were able to see deer and horses and not so much cars and asphalt. We are finding something that we can do together that we both love. And I am realizing that I have to get balance back in my life. My kids will only benefit from seeing me take on my own challenge and growing from it. I am having so much fun doing it. I think that running is going to be a wonderful stepping stone to me gaining my own life, as my children stop needing me so intensely and begin to become their own independent people.

So I thank you and Richard thanks you (he has missed me too). And I hope your run Sunday is the best one yet.

Michaux

P.S. Dumb question but: How do you watch a marathon? We have considered coming down to watch and all of us have looked at each other and asked: How do you watch a 26 mile race? You will have to educate us. 🙂

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