Hi.  Thanks for waking me.  You always know when I need to talk to you.  I am really having a hard time with something.  Richard and I are trying to get closer to you.  We are going through this thing called an “orthodox Jewish conversion” with the Biet Din of Chicago.  I know…..We are already Jewish, but all of your children don’t think so.  Worse than that, there are a lot of your Jewish children who might question our children’s status of being Jewish.

You know Micah, Noah and Hannah (and baby Shaffer), would be shocked to think that they are anything but your Jewish child.  So, I guess, Richard and I want to protect them from this as much as we can.   If we go through with this process, many more Jews will recognize our status as Jews.  For example, Israel will accept this certificate of conversion if we or our children ever want to live there.  It would allow our children to go to an orthodox day school if they want to.  It will make it possible for Noah to have his Bar Mitzvah at an orthodox synagogue.  (which is what is walking distance for us now on Shabbat).  It will allow the Moel to come to my house on Shabbat or Rosh Hashanah to perform the Bris if it falls on that day.  And it will open the door for my children to fall in love and marry anyone of “Jewish status”.  No matter how “orthodox” they or their family are.   If we finish this process now, the only thing Micah, Noah, Hannah and baby Shaffer have to do is go to the Mikvah.

I don’t know if they will ever want any of these things.  And I certainly don’t care so much about what other people think about us.  I know you can never please everybody.  But I know I want my babies to have whatever path they choose to get closer to you.  I want my children to feel you every single day like I do.  I love the fact that even though I can’t go to school with them, that they know you are there with them.  They talk to you (in your language no less!) every morning in Tefillah.  I love how keeping Shabbat (even having to hide Richard’s phone from him) makes us closer as a family, which connects us to you.   Our path to getting closer to you, has lead us to an orthodox lifestyle in an orthodox community, so it is possible, that my children might need this “stamp of approval” one day.

So you want to know what is the problem?  The problem is, this process doesn’t feel like you at all.  There are these older men sitting around one end of a long table.  And then there is Richard and I way down at the other end.  They are questioning us and judging us to see if we “pass” inspection to qualify as “orthodox Jews”.  Frankly, I don’t agree with everything they think.  And I know many “orthodox” families who would not agree or follow everything they think.  Yet, I feel like I have to convince them that I agree with everything they think, in order to “pass” the test.  Like, would I consider covering my hair with a wig?  I just don’t think that has anything at all to do with getting closer to you.

You know after every meeting, I leave and just have to have a good cry.  I feel so dirty and humiliated by their manner and questions.  That can’t be you.  When I converted the first time with dear Rabbi Wolkin, I felt a connection to you that was as intense as the experience of having my children.  It was so loving and inviting.  I know that was you.  This doesn’t feel like you at all.

I feel really confused.  How can something that doesn’t feel like you, get us closer to you?  We want to get closer to you.  We want to open doors for our children to get closer to you.  This process is supposed to help us do that.  But it doesn’t feel like it at all.  Maybe it will accomplish our goal later.  Maybe it is an ordeal that is necessary to come closer to you.  I honestly don’t know if I should go through with this if it makes me feel so bad inside.   They have invited us to come to the Mikvah to finish our “conversion”.  So in essence, we passed.  I know I should feel, at least relieved, if not elated.  But I am nervous about going to the Mikvah.  That has always been such a positive for me, and I don’t want it tainted by a negative experience.  And these guys are not so warm and fuzzy!

You know what,  I already know what you are going to say.  You say it all the time………It is not all about “me” and my feelings.  This is like a theme with you isn’t it?  If I have to have a little discomfort to help my children not have a lot of discomfort down the road.  If there is a way I can clear their path towards you…….  If I can find a way to save them from the pain of being doubted by their Jewish brothers……….  Hell, it is hard enough being doubted and judged by the rest of the world as a Jew!

I guess I should not think so much about me, but just think about what I am doing for my children, and grandchildren, even.  And I know, …. You are with me all the time, even the times I can’t feel it.  I know it makes you sad too.   It is hard for me when my children give each other a hard time, it has to be hard for you.

I love it when we have these conversations.  It always makes things so clear.  I will admit, I could have used the sleep, but I guess my heart needs support as much as my body.  Just maybe, do you think you could help Hannah to take a nice long nap today?????  So I can catch some zzzzzzzzzzzzs?

Thanks for all of your love and support

Your loving child

Michaux

So the question I get a hundred times a day now, when people catch site of my enormous belly, is:  Are you ready?  They say it in a way that implies I should be more than ready.  That it should be such a relief to rid myself of this burden I am carrying around.  They tend to look at me weird when I say, “No, I am not ready”.  I think they take that answer to mean I am not looking forward to meeting you, but that could not be further from the truth.

This is the truth: ………………

I daydream all the time about what you will look like.  I can’t wait to see your face for the first time.  To count all your fingers and toes.   To actually hold you in my arms.  But I love having you inside of me.  This is the place that I have the least worries about your happiness, safety and well being.  I know that you are never hungry or crying.  There is never a wet, raw tushy to deal with.  You get all the sleep you need, regardless of how crazy our household is behaving.  I don’t worry, “are you sleeping too long?  Are you still breathing?”  Did you get enough to eat?  Do you have gas?

You are constantly moving around, poking me with a foot, leg, or elbow, reassuring me that you are okay.  I get to take you everywhere with me.  I don’t have to share you with anyone.  I get to  have you utterly and completely to myself (aside from the occasional belly rubber).

The beginning of mothering you is like this. … Complete involvement.  You are tucked up inside of me, and I am wrapped around you with all the love and protection that a mother can give.  The next step of pushing you out into the world, is the beginning of letting go.  That is what mothering becomes.   Incrementally letting go, and pushing you out into the world.   I am letting go of Hannah right now by watching her successfuly separate from me to go to preschool.  I am letting go of Noah by giving him the independence to navigate our neighborhood unsupervised with his friends.   And I will have to let go of you literally and hold my breath while you work to take your first breath.  It is wonderful to see your children take those steps of independence, one by one.  But it is also hard.  Letting go of the very beings you would do anything to protect.  Worrying about any harm or discomfort they might endure.  Having to step back and let them make mistakes in order to grow up.

Right now, is mother’s bliss.  Okay, so it is a little hard to walk up the stairs, roll over in bed, and even pee.  But that is nothing.  I would do that for the next 20 years if I could ensure that you would grow up safe, happy and ready to take on the world.

It just doesn’t work that way.  So for the next several days until I give birth (another incredible mothering experience, and another post), I will just savor this wonderful feeling of carrying you around inside of me.   There is no rush.  You and G-d just keep putting on the finishing touches and I will enjoy knowing that I can hold you safely and completely to myself.

This post is written with my two daughters in mind. I don’t know if all women find spiritual guides, and I can’t speak about spiritual guides for men at all. I don’t know if there even is an equivalent for men. But for me, this is something that I hope my daughters will search for and find.

Lately, as I face two very intense emotional, physical, and spiritual experiences: 1). giving birth and 2). taking myself and my family through mikvah for a second more orthodox Jewish conversion. I have been struck by the fact that I am not facing these events alone. Sure my husband will be there, but he will be having the experience with me, not guiding it. I don’t think I really consciously realized before, how crucial having a spiritual guide is in this process.

Carol Schnitzler who runs the Mikvah, and Debbie Lesnick my midwife are two of these women to me. They are unbelievably humble and understated, considering the magnitude of what they do. They are not my best pals that I shoot the breeze with on a daily basis. They actually step into my life when I am preparing to strip myself emotionally, spiritually, and physically naked, to walk up and get as close as we get in this world with G-d. They take the hand of your soul and walk with you, guiding you through the most intense experiences of your life. Then they keep holding your hand, to make sure you make it back in one piece. When they are sure you are whole and safely delivered through this life changing event, they let go, and quietly move on to the next woman who needs them. They don’t hang out. They are in high demand. I can’t tell you how many women I have compared notes with and found that we have each “discovered” the best (same) spiritual guides. I don ‘t know if they even get much sleep, to tell you the truth, given how many women they help.

This has been on my mind lately. How simply and quietly they step in to my life when I need them, (during the biggest events of my life) and then just as quietly step back out when the need is over. They are like G-d’s travel guides.

Finding these women is not a “gimme”. I chose the wrong guide when I gave birth to my first child. She was a midwife, and looked like the real thing. But she was not up to the challenge, and the experience ended up being traumatic rather than amazing. Likewise, I have been to Mikvah with women in attendance that didn’t have a spiritual bone in their body. So, I am not sure of the exact formula. But give up any pictures in your head of what you think she will look like.  Keep an open mind and heart.  When you find her you will know. Can it be a man? I don’t think so, but I don’t honestly know.

And THANK YOU. To these women who have made such a difference in my life. Words are not enough.

Well, my sexually deprived husband came home this week baffled by a run-in with a homeless person in downtown Chicago.  He went to give this woman a quarter (I know… big spender, but usually he ignores them so this is progress) And he claims that when he asked her how she was doing she said, “I’m just horny”.   This blew him away, and he couldn’t stop talking about it.  He just felt validated that the whole world is horny, not just him.  Even the homeless are horny!

Now, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and not crush his already pregnantly challenged ego.  So I said, “Well, that is odd,”.   But to myself, I am thinking, “Horny?”   The only one in that interchange that I know for sure is horny is….well, my husband.   I am very pregnant.  ……..need I elaborate?

So, good wife that I am, I just let it go.  But he could not stop talking about it!!  He even tweeted about it!  Finally I had to stop the madness. 

me:  “honey, do you think the word ‘hungry’ could sound anything like the word ‘horny’?”

him:  “oh”

Noah…… this one is for you.  When our trip that we look so forward to every year went into a tailspin, you were the one who helped save the day.  When your Dad’s airplane had to do an emergency landing which prevented him from coming to join us, we should have known to get prepared.  But we still had faith that our favorite trip to Carolina was going to be great.   When the tropical storm came through and ruined the weather, it still didn’t really hit us.   But I think, when we all came down with the flu it started to sink in.  This was going to suck.  Then the fishing trip had to go because we were all running a fever and the ocean was out of control with riptides and 8 ft. swells.   Now we were getting it.  But the ending is always the best.  Go out with a bang! I always say.  If something is going to suck let it really suck.   At least that way, you have a good story later.  Of course at the time, to have your over-the-hill 7-month pregnant mom in excruciating pain and possibly starting to have a baby that is not ready to be born is a little scary.  It was scary for the grown-ups, including me, but I think it was even scarier for a 12-year old boy who knew enough to be scared but yet, still a kid who can’t do much to fix it. 

So this is for you:   This is my side of the story.  You were amazing!!!!  I was so impressed with you that day.  And truly, I could not have made it home to the safety of our doctors here without you.  You showed some of what you are made of.  Great courage,…. complete calm in the face of a terrifying storm….., and true kindness.  I know you were scared.  There was nothing I could do to protect you from that.  I was scared also.  I was also in more pain than I knew what to do with.  Giving birth with no drugs was not this hard, trust me.  Yet, I knew I had to get to my doctors before I truly went into labor and had a premature baby.  So with the doctors on the other line, we traveled through two airports with two small children together.

This is what makes a hero.   It is not always leaping tall buildings in a single bound, or flying at the speed of light.   Many times, the heroes are handling the crisis that nobody around them is even aware of.  We certainly tried to keep the airlines from knowing what was going on, as they may have  not let us travel.  So nobody around us really knew what we were going through.  But it was real and it was scary.   

And here is what I will never forget.  How you carried everything.  How you held Hannah’s hand and helped me keep that 2 year-old from wandering away.  How you quietly asked me everynow and then if I was doing okay.  How you picked up every single thing that your sister’s dropped.  How you calmly walked back and picked up Hannah when she fell getting off the moving sidewalk with traffic piling up behind us, dirty looks from strangers, and me helpless to help.  How you kept the peace between the girls when they wanted to fight over who was going to push the stroller.  How you never lost your calm; even when your tired 2-year old sister was screaming and your 7-year old sister was writhing in pain from her ears on the way down on the last descent.  And then!….. how after such a long hard day, with no real meal, you just stayed the course when we went straight from the airport to the doctor, and stayed for hours.  Here is the bottom line;  I could not have done it without your help.  I am not a proponent of children taking care of their parents on a regular basis when they are 12.  It is not a healthy family pattern to say the least.  But on this occasion when it could not be helped……..you truly rose to the occasion. 

And I still think, looking back, that if we had not been able to do what we did, it might not have had such a happy ending.   You are the kind of son that every mother dreams of having.   People actually tell me all the time how amazing you are and how proud I must be.  Mother’s of daughters your age befriend me because of what a great catch you will be (I am not kidding, this has been since 1st grade).  Mother’s of young son’s tell me they hope their boys will grow up like you.  And I burst with pride, when I tell them yes, he really is amazing.  But I add that I did absolutely nothing to deserve to have such a soul as my son.  It is truly a blessing from G-d that I get to be your mother and have you in my life.  And your brother can know that you loved him and helped him survive and be well, even before he was born.

Thank you………….for being you.

mom