This is Hannah:

my three year-old

Having a three year-old in your house is one of the most delicious and trying things you can do.   They are truly yummy.   Yet, I wonder sometimes how someone so cute, can push you so far?  So what is this all about?  This character building struggle my three year-old and I are in?  …………

One word:  independence

Now you would think that Zeke:  (see cute and cuddly one year-old and hot hubby below)

would be the one with the struggle for independence.  But Zeke’s struggles for independence do not threaten my authority.  He is trying to learn how to walk, feed himself, put himself to sleep, talk etc.  He is not actually trying to overthrow me. (yet)

Now that this is my third, three year-old, I see that these struggles are normal and healthy.  But I am not sure that it has made it much easier to deal with.  To have patience in the face of all 20 little baby teeth blowing hot scream into my face is still somewhat of a challenge.

So here are my thoughts about this:

My Hannah (just like Micah before her, and Noah before her) is really trying to gain some control over her life.  It might seem like she would like to gain control over my life, as well…..  But this would not actually make her feel safe.  She is living in a house with 5 bosses.  All who are bigger and stronger than she.  That would be trying for the best of us.  So what is the answer?

I think that finding ways for her to have independence and choices whenever possible while clearly being in charge is the key.   For example, I listened to my babysitter, Winnie, (a gift from G-d) dealing with Hannah over a new sippy cup.  A great example, because it highlights the conflict for Hannah.  How to be in charge of still being a baby sometimes:)  And every time Winnie ran into a roadblock, she found a way for Hannah to be independent.  It wasn’t a choice whether we washed the cup, but Hannah had the opportunity to wash it herself.  Then when she started to fall apart about the cup being wet (a little ocd three year old issue.  completely normal) Winnie let her dry it off herself.  I listened from the other room as WWIII almost happened 3 or 4 times.  And each time peace was founded on choices.

So it is not a choice to go upstairs for nap, but there are choices about what to carry up, and what books to read, and who gets to go up first on the stairs, etc.

It is not a choice to eat dinner, but there are choices about where to sit, and how many green beans and getting your own water.

It is not a choice to wear clothes, but there are choices about which clothes, and where to put them on, and even how many layers of them to put on.  ( I think our record is 5)

The grown ups are still in charge, (we like to think) which makes Hannah feel safe and secure.  But she is allowed to have as much independence as possible within that safe structure.  This is hard work for us grown ups.  It takes alot of thought and focus and patience.  Did I mention it takes alot of patience.  Let me say one more time:  it takes alot of PATIENCE.

Because our goal (mom, dad, babysitter)  is to stay calm, and not lay down on the floor and kick and scream and have a fit.   Although, I have thought about going out in the garage, shutting the door and trying it.  No, we just stay calm.   Ignore things that can be ignored.  Praise what can be praised.  Calmly and lovingly remove her from situations that are just too overwhelming for her.  Give lots and lots of controlled choices.  Pray.  Count to ten.  Pray.  Bite our tongue.  Pray.   Did I say pray?  Clench teeth.   Pray.  Am I going on too much??

You get the picture.

Then I look at Micah and Noah and smile.  Because I realize that these struggles will be gone in a flash, and before I can blink, she will be a calm, independent member of society again.

Well ,  my baby left for the WHOLE SUMMER!  Noah is on his way to summer camp for 8 weeks.

As you can see he is very sad and worried about leaving.

And he is especially excited about his mom’s need to get a few pictures.   He refused to let me get on the bus to take a picture of him with his friends.  I still can’t figure out why? 🙂

Letting go really sucks.

3 days ago my youngest son, Zeke, turned 8 months old.    I am now sitting in the waiting room at Children’s Memorial Hospital waiting for him to come out of surgery.   It is nothing life-threatening (Thank G-d).   But no parent wants to be doing this on a Tuesday morning.  

24 days ago my oldest son, Noah, celebrated his Bar Mitzvah.

Because of the circumstances of this surgery, Zeke could not have his Bris and Jewish Naming until today.  So in one month, I will be celebrating a Bar Mitzvah and a Bris.  This is quite an experience.  I keep looking from my oldest son to my youngest son, and it is slightly surreal.  It was just yesterday that Noah was little like Zeke.  Little hands, little ears, baby smell that you can’t kiss enough.  Able to hold him completely in my arms.     

And it will be just tomorrow, that Zeke will be big like Noah.  BIG hands, broad shoulders, and love to show how strong he is by picking up his mom!  

I don’t know how many moms get to have this wonderful snapshot in time of “big” and “little”.   But it really broadens your appreciation of how fast time flies, and how you have to savor every day as a blessing.   

As Noah grows up, the memory of him as “little” is very real and special.   Kissing Zeke’s baby cheeks brings it right back.

As Zeke goes through the tough baby moments, the vision of him as “big” is so real and hopeful.  I can see how temporary those baby moments really are.  

Today, when Zeke comes out of surgery, the orthodox Rabbi (a mohel who was holding his hand during the procedure, complete in scrubs and everything) will oversee his “Naming”.  And we will use Noah’s Kiddush cup that was given to him on his Bar Mitzvah. 

What a gift, to have a “big” boy, almost a man, and a “little” boy, just a baby at the same moment in time.   

I have had a sense of all my children long before I was blessed with them.  But the first time I met Noah—-I was 21.  I was an undergraduate at Chapel Hill.  I had not met Richard yet, and I didn’t really understand it at the time.  

I had my first new car.  For those of you who have had a first new car, you know that it is something you never forget.  The feeling of happiness and freedom is hard to describe.  

So one day, I was very happily driving around Chapel Hill. (and Chapel Hill is probably the heart of where I feel most at home in this world).

I had a strange sense of this little blonde headed boy riding shotgun.  Keeping me company.  It wasn’t like I saw anything.  It was more like, I just had a sense of him.  Kind of like you catch something out of the corner of your eye, but nothing is there.  I didn’t really understand it, but I think I knew he was part of my heart.

Now the last thing on my mind at the time was having children.  I was interested in blonde headed boys for sure, —Just about 20 years older.  So I chuckled to myself and thought, “Lord, he is really cute but you need to grow him up a little.”

Well, look at you now.  In a split second, you went from being just a flutter in my heart to a Bar Mitzvah.

I am so blown away by this beautiful journey of “your growing up”.  

I am catching glimpses now of the man you will be and it fills me with joy.

Even though, in my minds eye, you will always be that little towhead–I am so proud of the man you are growing into.

I had an epiphany over Passover this year.  I realized that I am related to the 3 nicest guys I have ever met. ………..

My husband, my Dad, and my son.

Noah, you are truly one of the nicest guys I have ever met.  I am just so honored and thankful that G-d chose me to be your mom.

We had a discussion tonight about your Bar Mitzvah.  You asked why we were asking you to do so much, more than most of your friends.  A longer portion.  Studying Mussaf.  Learning Kabbalat Shabbat.  Writing a Devar Torah.  We talked about the fact that you are capable, and should stretch yourself.    That this is a measuring stick for you, as you begin your journey to becoming a man.   Set the bar high.  Shoot for the moon!   

Well, you got me thinking and I wanted to clarify a few things.  Becoming a Bar Mitzvah is a rite of passage that signifies your growing up and turning into a man.  It is a project of learning and study that you take on.  It is a way to stretch yourself to accomplish something big for your age.  It is a way to test yourself and see what you are made of.  

It is NOT a high pressure performance that must go perfectly, or you will dissapoint us.  I want you to know, that just by doing all the hard work of preparing and studying for this May 2 date:  You have succeeded.    That is actually the point.  Not the performance at the end of all this hard work.  The performance on May 1 and 2 is actually just the icing on the cake.  It is the public celebration of everything you have worked so hard to learn and accomplish up to this point.  I want to make sure that you know this.  That you are not putting extra pressure on yourself about the weekend.  On Friday morning May 1st.  You have already succeeded.  You have studied countless hours, in addition to a demanding curriculum at school.  You have given up much needed sleep, during one of the biggest growth spurts in the history of mankind.  You have stayed steady in the face of this sleep deprivation combined with getting your sisters in the car for school.   You have remained respectful to your mother when she is annoying you about all said studying.   You have absorbed and dealt beautifully with the stress going on in our family as your father makes a significant career change.  

So, on Friday morning, May 1st, you could say, “I don’t want to lead Friday night services”  and no one would even blink an eye.  Because you will have already learned it.  You know that you know it.  The rest of us are there to celebrate that with you.  If on Saturday morning you feel the speech is too much for you to deliver,  you could hand it to your Dad and he would deliver it for you without a thought.  Because you will have already done it!  You did all the hard work.  You put the thought and study into writing it.  You know you can do it.  Whether a synagogue full of people that we barely know, knows that;  does not matter to us.   If you make a mistake reading your Torah portion, it truly does not matter to us  (not to mention the fact that we won’t even know the difference).  We have watched you study and practice.   We have heard you 100 times already.  You have put in all the hours with Rabbi Gifter.  You know that you know it.    This is truly success.    The weekend, and the “show” is just the celebration and coming together of all your hard work.   We are so tickled to be there to celebrate this with you.   I want you to look at this weekend as a wonderful party and not a stressful event.  

And I want you to understand that just by getting through all of this, in your “grace filled” Noah way, you have knocked it out of the park.   I am so incredibly proud of you.  I am blessed beyond belief to have a son that meets the definition of “menchyness” the way you do.  

I know that in my own life when I feel the pressure rising, I am able to deal with it because of 2 things.  

1.  I know within myself that I am strong and capable

2.  I know that when it is truly too much for me to carry by myself,  my parents “have my back”.  

I want you to know how much we love you.  How proud we are of everything you are doing, and how you are doing it.  And no matter what:  “we got your back”

Love

Mom

Micah’s class did a great job presenting their science experiments at the 2nd grade science fair.  They did a great display about glasses, lenses, and magnifying glasses.  

This is Micah with her good friend Shula.  They are wearing hats their class made with all the colors of the rainbow.  Micah also demonstrated her home made dreidel.  You can see the neat pattern it makes when she spins it.  It is actually a square shape;  but looks circular when spinning.  

Dear Mom and Dad,

   It is 4:00 am and I have been up since 10:30 pm trying to catch up on paperwork.   At this point, an hour or two of sleep would just be like chinese water torture.   I have had this letter in my head for a couple of weeks, and wanted to write it down.  

   You both know that this year has been very difficult for me.  For reasons you also know.  What has blown me away, is how the two of you so quietly and lovingly have stepped in to help carry me through.   I have always known that I had great parents, but lately I am realizing that I actually won the parent lottery.  

     I am amazed to realize that I would probably not have gotten through the past 30 days without all that you have done for me.  I did not even know I needed your help.  But, you both somehow knew you were needed, and showed up on my doorstep.  

   Mom, you came with such an open heart to try to help me through Richard’s trip to NY.  You timed it perfectly, as the news of his job termination from Willis was fresh.  And although Richard was relieved, I was realizing the gravity of it all, and what it would mean.   As I was breaking out in shingles, you literally took one look at me and knew.    I had no idea what was happening, and thought going to the doctor was a big waste of time.   Lucky for me, you were there to be “mom”.   Just that doctor trip alone, saved me from alot of intense pain, and saved little Zeke from getting chicken pox at 4 and a half months of age.  Every thing you did for me was from a place of such pure love and desire, to ease the weight of the world on my shoulders.  

   Dad, you checked in on that direct line you got going with the man upstairs, and showed up on my doorstep, literally, in time for me to hand you baby Zeke, so I could deal with LICE in my house (3 hours before Shabbat).  Richard was gone to Israel, and although you looked a little like a deer caught in the headlights, you came on in the house and faced it with the rest of us.  (with only a little imagined itching).   You spent the weekend helping me figure out all the financial things I needed to know in my new job as “accountant” for IsraeliWineDirect.com.

   You both also played tirelessly with my 4 kids.   Constantly cleaned up behind us all.   Took a good look at my family and gave me sound advice.   Made sure I slept (and ate).  And basically boosted me up and walked right beside me through it all.    

    So I have learned some things about being a parent.   Things that I am so thankful to know:

l.  You don’t have to be perfect.  as long as, you are real and honest and present with your kids.   When you make mistakes you admit them, and help your kids learn with you, about your journey.   You both have been open about your own mistakes, and I feel the benefit of learning with you, about your struggles.  

2.  G-d is the best source to help you find your way.  I really believe that you both relied on your strong faith to help you know how and when to help me.  I felt like I truly saw G-d working through you.  You came with the only agenda of trying to help.   You opened your hearts to me and to G-d.  The results are actually unbelievable to me.    You not only helped your daughter (and son-in-law), but most of all, you helped your grandchildren.   And that is when you really “get it”.  When someone helps your children, you have a gratitude unlike anything you have ever felt before.

   Mom,  I know we have learned through your struggles with my near blindness as a 4 and half month old (interesting coincidence that you helped Zeke at this same age); that at your darkest hour, when you think G-d has really forsaken you,  He is actually right there beside you, answering every prayer and call for help.

   I can look back on the past couple of months, and see that G-d is right here with me.  He is answering all my prayers and calls for help.  He is providing everything I need to do my job as mother, wife, accountant, party planner, chauffer, wet nurse, housekeeper, (ok I won’t get started here).  You get my drift.  

    I just love you both.  I appreciate you more now than ever in my life.  (definitely more than at age 16 when I thought I knew it all).  And I am so grateful for your love and support.  I really hope that I can be such a support to my own children when they are 40.. 

Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

I love you both

Mich

We are almost at the end of our little mommy and me gymnastics class.    Hannah has made friends with another little fellow gymnast:  Sara Mae.   Sara Mae is the daughter of Noah’s Tfillah teacher from elementary school.   Hannah and Sara Mae will be in the same class at Schechter one day 🙂

Noah had his basketball banquet today.  His coaches talked about how he was one of 2 new guys on the team this year.  They said that he is by far the most improved player on the team.  They enjoyed watching him grow and develop over the season.. And he has a great shot too 🙂

This was the most perfect day we have had in a long time.  The temperature was 50 in the morning!  We walked Micah and Noah to school and then stopped at the playground on the way home.  Zeke enjoyed his first time in the baby swing.  And Hannah enjoyed her favorite baby swing at the park.  We walked home and had lunch and a NAP:)  Then I walked back to school to get Noah and Micah.  And that is when it all fell apart (see post below).