A wonderful talented young man died this past week. He was the track/running coach and english teacher at our local high school. I only knew him briefly and from a distance, but that is all it took to realize the impact he was having on the world. He was an amazing soul, making an enormous dent in tikkun olam-repairing the world. As I grappled with the injustice of such a loss, I turned to face Yom Kippur.

On Yom Kippur we are also asked to face death in a very tangible way. We rehearse. We abstain from eating, drinking, bathing, and even sex for 24 hours. We reflect, repent and try to set things right between us and God, us and our loved ones. We wear white. Some even wear a ‘kittel’, the white shroud Jews are buried in.

This brought up my own fear of dying young. I fear dying before I have really lived. I have nightmares of leaving my children to grow up without a mother. I am not done yet!

Although repentance and forgiveness of sins is the focus of this day, I am getting weary of always beating myself up for either being ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’. Of always examining every little thing I didn’t do exactly right. I decided that I would take a little different angle this year. My fear of dying.

It is not like I get to be in control of it anyway. We would like to think we are invincible. We would like to distance ourselves from death and think that it won’t happen to us. We would like to think we can plan our futures. But honestly, every single day is a gift. I know that I, at least, assume way too many times, that there is always another one where that one came from. So how can I accept the reality of how fragile my life is and still let go of this fear? How can I turn it over to God and have peace?

What came to mind was a phrase we use at Passover, Dayeinu. During the Passover Seder we break down each step of the journey out of Egypt and say after it, Dayeinu. Meaning, that if we had only been given that one step of the journey, it would have been enough. I know that I am not done with my journey here on earth, but if I don’t make it into the “Book of Life” for another year, then somehow it has to have been enough.

How in the world could I look at my life and say, “If this is all I get Lord, then it will have been enough”???

The thing I always seem to come back to is…Gratitude.

I thought about how I wish my kids could look at all they have and realize that it is enough. Instead of always bugging me for more. More toys, more clothes, more shoes, more more more. They have more than enough. More than enough love, attention, toys, clothes, friends, food, shelter…They just don’t have the perspective to see it. Maybe I don’t have the best perspective either.

So as simplistic as it may sound, I decided that I would set aside beating my self up for all my sins (for once) and focus this Yom Kippur on all I have to be thankful for. I could certainly use the practice. Try, through my hunger and thirst, to look around and open my eyes to all the miracles, wonders and amazing souls in my life. Try to be thankful for this gift of a life. All the good times and the hard times. Focusing on this, I realize that even the really hard things have opened me up to see the deep love holding and supporting me. Working at this perspective might just help me let go of my fear. Maybe

But what else?

Maybe there is one little thing I can stretch myself to do to make sure that I have tried to make today “enough”.

For me that is setting aside my fear of speaking up. It is bringing my courage to the front of the room and setting down my armor to reveal my heart. It is making sure I thank the people in my life who love and support me. It is taking my shoes off and walking barefoot to and from services. It is lying on the park bench and closing my eyes to drink in the sun and the happy sounds of my children playing. (to the Pinchot family who happened by at that moment, I know it LOOKED like I was fast asleep and oblivious to my children running wild through the park, but I was really just ‘watching with my eyes closed’.  Thank you for not judging :)). It is sharing my simplistic view in a blog post, when I know there are so many learned Jews out there with more intelligent things to say about this holiday.

I pray I, and all the wonderful people in my life, will be granted another beautiful year. I pray I set it right with any one I hurt. I pray I can do better this year. I pray I can see my life with more thankful eyes. I pray that I can return to my true self and be strengthened as I continue my journey of tikkun halev-repairing the heart, tikkun hanefesh-repairing the soul and tikkun olam-repairing the world. And most of all, I pray that no matter what happens this year I will be able to say it was enough.

דַּיֵּנוּ