When I was in graduate school, there were some moms in my program who had spent decades out of the work force raising their children and were trying to find their way back to paying work.  They seemed really OLD.  I remember being really glad that I was not in their shoes.  They were really nice but had a certain anxious intensity about them.

That was yesterday.  There is just no way that could have been 20 years ago.

I left the work force in the fall of 1996 to raise my kids.  I have not had a paying job in 16 years!  Now, as my oldest is applying to colleges and my baby is in school several hours a day, I am looking to rejoin the workforce.   How could this have happened?  I have become those women.

The only thing I can think of to describe what I am going through, is how I felt when I got up on the high dive for the first time as a kid.  It is a combination of terror mixed with excitement/anticipation.

I decided to stay home and raise my kids because I wanted to really focus on doing one thing right.  There are books out now about “willpower”.  How we only have so much of it.  The myth that you can do it all…well, is most definitely a myth.  I am terrified of taking on more than I already have in my present role, and somehow doing nothing well.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach to think about not being able to be there for my kids if they needed me.  I am afraid I am not “enough” to pull off working mom.

On the other hand, there is an excitement brewing about making space for something that is mine.  The pleasure of getting paid.  The hope of having something of value to add to the outside world.  I already took a dive off the low diving board by taking on running.  I forced my family to make space for something of mine.  And you know how that works.  Once you dive into unknown water you start to get brave.  You look at the high dive and think, “I can do that.”

Of course, it looks a lot safer from the ground.  Now that I am standing on the edge looking down I am paralyzed.  There is a good chance that Richard might climb up behind me and push me in.  The weight of financial responsibility for 6 people on a 100% sales commission job is getting heavy for him.  If that doesn’t happen, I might just stand there paralyzed for who knows how long.  I am not sure how it will play out.   But I have a feeling this is the scariest part.  Usually when you finally work up the courage to jump off the high dive you enjoy the ride.