Father Rohr talks about how he prays for a daily humiliation to help keep him humble.  I actually pray for the absence of that daily humiliation!  I must need a lot of humbling because I seem to get one anyway.   The following is the kind of thing nobody tells you can happen when you start running long distances after having 4 children.   Either that, or it only happens to me.

Sunday Richard and I ran 8 miles on the beautiful horse trails of Harms Woods.  This started out so peacefully.  The weather was amazing.  It is the start of allergy season, so Richard was uncharacteristically quiet trying to breath for the first 4 miles.  But then..

Richard was convinced that there was no way he could run 8  miles unless he had a chocolate candy bar half way through.  I was not in any real need of a candy bar, but if someone offers me one I pretty much NEVER refuse.

Big mistake…………………….

The effect the candy bar had on Richard was quite uplifting.  He was bounding ahead with no breathing trouble at all.  This meant that he could run and talk.  If you know Richard, then you know this inevitably leads to dirty, raunchy, disgustingly funny jokes and skits while running.  I think he might have even mooned me at one point.  I can’t be sure about this, because I can’t figure out how you do that AND run AND crack jokes AND breath at the same time.  Now if you know me, you know that this dirty, raunchy, disgusting humor ALWAYS makes me laugh uncontrollably.  I KNOW it is hard to do that and run!

The combination of the chocolate candy bar, and uncontrollable laughter is what started the trouble.

Somewhere between baby number 2 and 4, there was a mutiny, and my body decided to have a mind of its own.  This happens in various ways to mommies of multiple children.  In fact, we mommies can spend hours commiserating on these, ‘hostile take overs’ by our bodies.  Some mommies even go through painful surgeries to try to gain back control of the ship.  I am the only one I know that has this particular issue however.  At least the only one not in a nursing home!

Like the time we were loading up the car to get to school, and I thought I just had some gas…….and it turned out to NOT……….just be gas……….   We were late for school.

By the way, you have to actually TELL your son that this information is not the type for ‘share and tell’. He doesn’t automatically KNOW this.

So as the laughter and the candy bar began to kick in, mile 5 looked a little like this:

Praying for a bathroom around the next bend.  Praying for enough cover if there is no bathroom.  Sweating.  Cursing my bright blue ‘can’t miss it’ neon running outfit.  Trying to get Richard to SERIOUSLY stop making me laugh, or he is gonna be sorry……..really sorry.

Mile 6:

Found a parking lot!  Yay!  Looking for the bathroom that is supposed to be there.  Port-A-potty, anything!  Richard swearing it is right in front of me.  Devil f-ing with me.   (put a mirage in front of it or something.)  I actually can’t see it!  Richard yelling at me that it is right there.  Me yelling at him that it is NOT there!

Mile 7:

Fun is over.  I am pissed at Richard for yelling at me.  He is pissed at me for not seeing the #*!@^%$ bathroom right in front of my face!  Richard and I swearing at and trying to outrun each other.  At same time, trying to hang on to myself.   More praying and sweating.  More frantically looking for cover.  More cursing.

Mile 8:

That is it!  I am done.  I am tired of being bullied by this worn out flabby mommy body.   I am in charge here.  I decided that this mutiny is OVER!  I go into ‘lockdown mode’.   I was going to make it through that run without humiliating myself or, I swear, I was going to die trying!!!  (This is a great core work out by the way.)

I made it to the end of the trail.

I made it to the car!

I made it home!

I made it all the way to the bathroom!!!!

and yep, you guessed it……………………………………………………………………………..I couldn’t go

So much for being captain of my ship.