Hi.  Thanks for waking me.  You always know when I need to talk to you.  I am really having a hard time with something.  Richard and I are trying to get closer to you.  We are going through this thing called an “orthodox Jewish conversion” with the Biet Din of Chicago.  I know…..We are already Jewish, but all of your children don’t think so.  Worse than that, there are a lot of your Jewish children who might question our children’s status of being Jewish.

You know Micah, Noah and Hannah (and baby Shaffer), would be shocked to think that they are anything but your Jewish child.  So, I guess, Richard and I want to protect them from this as much as we can.   If we go through with this process, many more Jews will recognize our status as Jews.  For example, Israel will accept this certificate of conversion if we or our children ever want to live there.  It would allow our children to go to an orthodox day school if they want to.  It will make it possible for Noah to have his Bar Mitzvah at an orthodox synagogue.  (which is what is walking distance for us now on Shabbat).  It will allow the Moel to come to my house on Shabbat or Rosh Hashanah to perform the Bris if it falls on that day.  And it will open the door for my children to fall in love and marry anyone of “Jewish status”.  No matter how “orthodox” they or their family are.   If we finish this process now, the only thing Micah, Noah, Hannah and baby Shaffer have to do is go to the Mikvah.

I don’t know if they will ever want any of these things.  And I certainly don’t care so much about what other people think about us.  I know you can never please everybody.  But I know I want my babies to have whatever path they choose to get closer to you.  I want my children to feel you every single day like I do.  I love the fact that even though I can’t go to school with them, that they know you are there with them.  They talk to you (in your language no less!) every morning in Tefillah.  I love how keeping Shabbat (even having to hide Richard’s phone from him) makes us closer as a family, which connects us to you.   Our path to getting closer to you, has lead us to an orthodox lifestyle in an orthodox community, so it is possible, that my children might need this “stamp of approval” one day.

So you want to know what is the problem?  The problem is, this process doesn’t feel like you at all.  There are these older men sitting around one end of a long table.  And then there is Richard and I way down at the other end.  They are questioning us and judging us to see if we “pass” inspection to qualify as “orthodox Jews”.  Frankly, I don’t agree with everything they think.  And I know many “orthodox” families who would not agree or follow everything they think.  Yet, I feel like I have to convince them that I agree with everything they think, in order to “pass” the test.  Like, would I consider covering my hair with a wig?  I just don’t think that has anything at all to do with getting closer to you.

You know after every meeting, I leave and just have to have a good cry.  I feel so dirty and humiliated by their manner and questions.  That can’t be you.  When I converted the first time with dear Rabbi Wolkin, I felt a connection to you that was as intense as the experience of having my children.  It was so loving and inviting.  I know that was you.  This doesn’t feel like you at all.

I feel really confused.  How can something that doesn’t feel like you, get us closer to you?  We want to get closer to you.  We want to open doors for our children to get closer to you.  This process is supposed to help us do that.  But it doesn’t feel like it at all.  Maybe it will accomplish our goal later.  Maybe it is an ordeal that is necessary to come closer to you.  I honestly don’t know if I should go through with this if it makes me feel so bad inside.   They have invited us to come to the Mikvah to finish our “conversion”.  So in essence, we passed.  I know I should feel, at least relieved, if not elated.  But I am nervous about going to the Mikvah.  That has always been such a positive for me, and I don’t want it tainted by a negative experience.  And these guys are not so warm and fuzzy!

You know what,  I already know what you are going to say.  You say it all the time………It is not all about “me” and my feelings.  This is like a theme with you isn’t it?  If I have to have a little discomfort to help my children not have a lot of discomfort down the road.  If there is a way I can clear their path towards you…….  If I can find a way to save them from the pain of being doubted by their Jewish brothers……….  Hell, it is hard enough being doubted and judged by the rest of the world as a Jew!

I guess I should not think so much about me, but just think about what I am doing for my children, and grandchildren, even.  And I know, …. You are with me all the time, even the times I can’t feel it.  I know it makes you sad too.   It is hard for me when my children give each other a hard time, it has to be hard for you.

I love it when we have these conversations.  It always makes things so clear.  I will admit, I could have used the sleep, but I guess my heart needs support as much as my body.  Just maybe, do you think you could help Hannah to take a nice long nap today?????  So I can catch some zzzzzzzzzzzzs?

Thanks for all of your love and support

Your loving child

Michaux